Aug. 13--SHOW OF HANDS -- How many mothers and fathers out there are crying, "My baby is leaving me!"
Whether leaving for the first day of kindergarten or college, separation from children can be gut wrenching.
I felt the pain when my parents left me in a residence hall full of teen strangers one August day. The moment was perplexing. I was anxious for them to leave so I could fully embrace independence and begin to meet people. Yet I knew the moment they left I would feel more alone and scared.
Leaping into independent life is much more involved than one critical college goodbye. It's a process, said Jay Clark, a licensed professional counselor with Counseling Associates in La Crosse.
From the moment we are born and detached from the umbilical cord, we are becoming -- bit by bit -- more independent. We learn to eat on our own, dress on our own and finally think and make choices on our own.
Teens are closing in on adulthood by age 16 or 17, so it's critical they learn to make decisions and care for themselves, Clark said. Parents should give kids some space to do so, he said. Depending on the person, that may mean encouraging kids to do laundry, clean their room, cook or manage their finances.
"The less you let go of your child when they are going through high school, the more of a trick it will be when they go off to college," he said.
Likewise, children of parents who don't let go of all the daily duties are less prepared to transition into college, he said.
Paula Knudson, University of Wisconsin-La Crosse dean of students, has met students too reliant on parents to take care of everything. When students become frustrated with school, they often call parents to vent. A parent's natural instinct is to want to step in and solve the problem, Knudson said. Parents need to make the shift from doing to showing, she said.
"You can be the listener and the coach, but you can't be the player," she said. "At some point individual responsibility and understanding of problem solving needs to happen."
Parents have a lot of wisdom from life experiences that is important to share, but kids need to learn to make the decisions, said Jennifer Burelbach, psychotherapist with Burelbach Psychotherapy.
Students and their parents today often are in constant communication -- some students call home three to five times a day, Knudson said. She hesitates to put any limits on communication because it depends on the person and their family's relationship.
However, if a student is unhappy because they are homesick and not meeting people, frequent communication can be detrimental, Knudson said.
"That's when we encourage family to say, 'We love you. Let's think up strategies for you to get connected and we'll talk to you on the weekend,'" she said.
Parents also need to resist constantly checking on their son or daughter, Burelbach said.
"It becomes incumbent upon child to say, 'I'm OK. You don't need to call me so much,'" she said. She suggested setting up one time during the week to talk.
If parents don't let go, it can lead to conflict between parents and children. If children succumb to the constant help, they are less likely to be successful or have confidence to make their own decisions, Burelbach said.
So, when it comes time to say goodbye this fall, realize your baby is an adult.
"Try to enjoy the growing-up process your kids is going through," Clark said. "They are not going to be the little person you brought into the world."
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