"Well, dear, life is a casting off. It's always that way."
-- Linda Loman, early in the first act of Death of Salesman, as she tries to comfort her husband, Willy, who is upset that his sons have left home.
In many homes across the country, this is the time of year for a casting off of sorts, with the end of summer and the kids back in school. For some parents, the start of the school year has been a bit traumatic as they left their children at kindergarten for the first time. For other moms and dads, it has been a joyous occasion to witness their teenagers finally having to get out of bed early and vacate the house for the day.
But whether their kids are first-graders or 12th-graders (the group I teach at T.C. Williams High School in Alexandria, Va.), the big questions for all concerned parents are: Just how much can they trust schools to do the right thing for their children, and how should parents balance being an advocate for their kids vs. letting their kids learn to be advocates for themselves?
Tomorrow night -- even before I've had the time to attach names to the faces of all the 117 seniors who came pouring into my English classes two weeks ago -- it is "Parents Night," a time when parents go through their kids' daily class schedules spending about 10 minutes with each teacher.
After more than three decades of dealing with the parents of my students, and after suffering major anxiety during the high school years of my own son and daughter, now 28 and 26, I humbly offer the following suggestions for parents who want to have a tranquil school year while at the same time being effective advocates for their children:
Know the teachers. The biggest favor you can do for your child is to get to know every one of his or her teachers well enough so that the teacher will connect your face with your child's. This way, your child will be more than just a name in a grade book. Though I will try my best to get to know all 117 of my students, one teacher can never know all he or she should know to best help each student. The fact is that once a teacher can connect a student with a parent's face, the teacher will -- consciously or unconsciously -- pay attention to that child.
Flattery works. You'll get much more out of flattering your children's teachers -- even the ones that may be total jerks -- than trying to intimidate them. Teachers, even the best, work in isolation and get little praise from other adults; they are hungry for recognition. "Mary really enjoys your class (even though she may hate it) and I wanted to know what she should be doing to raise that D," will always get better results than a frontal attack on the teacher's grading. Such attacks could easily poison your child's relation with the teacher for the year.
Personal responsibility. Technology now makes it possible for teachers and parents to keep in touch on a daily basis, but unless you want to drive yourself, your child and the teacher crazy, be judicious in the use of e-mail or Edline, the software that gives you access to your kids' grades whenever you wish to see them. Children will never be responsible for their own work if parents are constantly checking up on them.
If you don't want your child to be part of the college dropout statistics -- one in four college students drop out before completing sophomore year and only 53% finish within six years -- let your children start taking responsibility for his or her schoolwork now.
It's not the end of the road. Perhaps most important, remember that high school is not the end of the world. We live in a country that offers infinite second chances when it comes to education. If after all your efforts, you can't prevent your child from going into academic free fall in high school, don't despair: There is always junior college.
In Virginia and many other states, a good transcript in a junior college wipes out a disastrous high school transcript and opens the door to the best state colleges and universities.
I could give scores of examples of former students (especially boys -- brain research has shown they don't acquire much common sense until their frontal lobes develop in their early 20s) who were academic and social disasters in high school and who have ended up successful beyond their parents' wildest dreams.
Finally, relax. Last, and what I always tell parents -- count your blessings. Child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim may have put it best in his essay "Why Youth Is in Revolt," which focuses on the pressure we have all created for ourselves and our children:
"The modern middle-class family still feels that its justification has to be derived from what it produces, but the only thing it produces now are children. Their perfection should justify the labors if not the very existence of the family. ... Perhaps we were all better off when children were seen as a gift of God, however they turned out, and not something, the high quality of which provides justification of our family."
Patrick Welsh is an English teacher at T.C. Williams High School in Alexandria, Va., and a member of USA TODAY's board of contributors.
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