Apr. 23--Claudia Arthrell recalls the first time her child asked what sex was. She was taking her 3-year-old to day care.
"I thought 'Oops, I'm not going there. I'm in the car, no picture book,' " she said.
So instead she took the anatomy route.
"There's male sex and female sex: Mom and Dad."
But that was only a temporary tactic. Arthrell said she wanted to have the right books and information when it came time to explaining where babies come from. And she knew that, in the coming years, there'd be more talks about other sexual issues.
"If you don't have those conversations with them," she said, "somebody else will."
Arthrell, director of professional services at Family & Children's Services, stresses "conversations," plural, when it comes to talking sex with children and teens. Parents shouldn't just sit down and start talking to their kids about sex and that be it. Instead, sex is something you should discuss multiple times as your children mature.
"Use all the opportunities that present themselves. If you see an ad on TV or something sexual that they respond to, the situation is presenting itself," she said. "Don't sit down and have the birds and the bees talk. (Sex) is a natural part of life that evolves. It shouldn't become awkward."
That means parents need to be comfortable with themselves because the opportunities might present themselves any time.
"I get triggered a lot by what people wear or by the language they use," she said.
Parents
with multiple children should wait for an appropriate time to answer a question if it's brought up in front of the younger kids.
"Wait until they're out of the room," Arthrell said. "Then say, 'I thought about what you said about a friend being provocative at school. Maybe you might be worried.' "
Parents also need to use neutral language.
"Be careful not to take a position or put value on it. Make it safe for what they're trying to say," she said. "I don't think this is easy stuff at all. I sure do think it's important to set that stage for the kids to let them know you're a good person and aren't going to think badly of them."
Open-ended questions make for a good segue.
"Saying 'I wonder if people know where to get protection,' is a natural way to bring up safe sex."
The same approach can be used to find out about dating habits.
" 'Are kids your age having sex or not? Do you think they're having safe sex?' If you haven't been judgmental, you can ask questions and they'll talk about it," Artrell said. "You get so much mileage from being open and curious, asking questions, raising the issues and being approachable. Really, what you want is to set that norm of being approachable."
Talking sex
Here are some tips from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:
--Keep your sense of humor and don't be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
--Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring and respect for oneself and one's partner.
--Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
--Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
--Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.
For more information go online to tulsaworld.com/talkingwithkids.
Mike Averill 581-8489 mike.averill@tulsaworld.com
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