Gene Metzger watched one partner die of colorectal cancer. It was ugly and painful and messy.
He stayed by his love's side, even as a series of strokes made communication difficult. Metzger's partner died at home under his care.
Metzger, then 46, grieved for the man he had loved for 20 years and expected to be with forever. Then, 12 years ago, the buoyant, creative Jerry Michelle dashed into his life.
"We both belonged to Front Runners of Tampa Bay, a running organization for women and men," says Metzger, 66. "They sponsored a homecoming game at USF. I hadn't been to a football game, like, ever, and we met at the game."
Michelle, 64, remembers talking for hours to the witty man he encountered at the old Tampa Stadium.
"I just wanted to find out as much about this guy as I could," he says. "The more I learned about him, the more I found out how wonderful he was and didn't let go."
Three years ago, Michelle felt a scratchy sensation in his throat.
'Here we go again'
It was Stage IV throat cancer, all the more stunning because Michelle didn't smoke.
"My first reaction ... it wasn't a pretty word," says Metzger. "My next reaction was 'Oh, my God, here we go again. Fasten your seatbelt.'
"I was disappointed. I cried. We both cried. We cried a lot. We still do."
Michelle received radiation and chemotherapy, which zapped his salivary glands, his sense of taste and, for a time, the cancer. About a month ago, when he began having seizures, doctors at the H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center & Research Institute found inoperable brain lesions.
He is entering hospice care. But if Michelle feels fear or sadness, it is for his partner.
"I'm so sorry he's having to go through it again," Michelle says. "I want to make it as easy on him as I can. He's going to have to deal with things when I'm gone. I won't have to worry about it anymore."
In addition to his strong relationship with Michelle, Metzger can count on help from their friends at King of Peace Metropolitan Community Church in St. Petersburg, and his caregiver support group at Moffitt.
On Saturday, he will attend a free seminar at Moffitt, open to anyone who provides care to a cancer patient. The "Caring for the Caregiver" program helps loved ones manage stress and the side effects of treatment.
Metzger strongly recommends that those in his position reach out for help.
"I feel totally at ease and comfortable in the small support-group gathering," he says. "I could walk into this room, not knowing those people. I could share some things independent of Jerry's being there and get some support and some guidance and hints and helpfulness."
A lifelong resident of Tampa, Michelle played the King of Astro Planet on Channel 10's "Space Station" in the late 1960s and early 70s.
When he became ill, he was working as an interior designer.
Humor helps men cope
Humor is a huge part of the men's shared lives and they love making each other laugh, even now.
"I figured, 'Who ever heard of an interior designer with no sense of taste?'" Michelle asks.
He also likes to tease Metzger about God's mysterious ways.
"I was raised in a very southern Tampa Pentecostal family," he says. "My mother all her life has prayed for me that one day -- he hates me to say this -- that God would send me a wonderful wife. Well, she just had the word wrong. And God does answer prayer."
"And he has a sense of humor, too," adds Metzger. Michelle's mother has come to love Metzger as another son.
His position as vice president of a downtown Tampa firm allows Metzger the flexibility to accompany Michelle to his treatments. The proximity of their Davis Islands condo allows for quick trips home whenever Michelle needs him.
The lack of a sense of taste has proved a knottier problem than either imagined. The men loved to throw dinner parties and travel the world, eating in nice restaurants and sampling the local fare.
But Metzger, a gourmet cook, plies Michelle with milkshakes that feel soothing, even if they taste like nothing. He feels guilty, though, when Michelle is sidelined with a bowl of broth during visits from company.
Their friends are many, and joined them for a holy unity ceremony, held before Michelle's diagnosis.
"We stood before God. We stood before our friends, our family of origin -- a few of them -- and mostly our family of choice and our church family," Metzger says. "And what we said was true. You don't run. You hang in there. It's no different from any other relationship. You know, you have to walk the talk.
"Love is an action verb. It's not how I feel. It's how I act."
Reporter Donna Koehn can be reached at (813) 259-8264.
CARING FOR THE CAREGIVER
The H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center & Research Institute will hold a free seminar Saturday to help cancer caregivers manage stress and the side effects of treatment for the disease. Reservations are required by calling Moffitt (1-888-663-3488) before the end of business today. A light breakfast and lunch will be provided.
Keyword: Caregiver, to see a video interview with Gene Metzger and Jerry Michelle. Keyword: Caregiver, to see a video interview with Gene Metzger and Jerry Michelle. To see more of the Tampa Tribune or to subscribe to the newspaper, go to http://www.tampatrib.com. Copyright (c) 2009, Tampa Tribune, Fla. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services. For reprints, email tmsreprints@permissionsgroup.com, call 800-374-7985 or 847-635-6550, send a fax to 847-635-6968, or write to The Permissions Group Inc., 1247 Milwaukee Ave., Suite 303, Glenview, IL 60025, USA.
Copyright (C) 2009, Tampa Tribune, Fla.