Like many people with cancer, Bethany Winsor found that some of her friends struggled with what to say after she was diagnosed.
When one person looked at her with pity, the usually upbeat Winsor burst into tears. Yet she says a stranger on a plane somehow found the perfect words of comfort.
Winsor, 28, met the woman last year, when they were seated next to each other on their outgoing and return flights between Dallas and Washington. Winsor, who had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, felt at ease with the young woman, who was about her age, and mentioned that she was about to start chemotherapy.
Later in the flight, when Winsor was leaving the restroom, she found that the stranger was waiting for her at the back of the plane. "She said she felt there was a reason we had been seated next to each other," Winsor says. "Although she didn't know the details of what I was going through, she asked me if she could pray with me. I am not particularly religious, but I am spiritual, and at that point, I was in need of a little faith."
As the stranger held her hands, Winsor "felt a connectedness that I really needed. Even though I didn't know this girl, I will never forget her willingness to reach out to me."
Though few among us can summon that sort of eloquence, the stranger's words provide a good example of how to support someone with cancer, says Julia Rowland, head of the National Cancer Institute's survivorship office.
Although the stranger showed compassion, she didn't force herself onto Winsor, Rowland says. And though religion can be a tricky subject, Rowland says the stranger on the plane struck just the right balance. The woman offered open-ended prayers but didn't pre-sume to speak for God.
Words that don't help
The stranger didn't presume to know what was best, offer unsolicited advice or launch into religious sermons, she says. Many people with cancer say they get tired of being told what to do, even if that advice seems as bland as "You need to stay positive."
"What many cancer survivors say is most meaningful is to be heard -- truly listened to -- and understood, not being told what to do or how to cope," Rowland says.
"Many of us are inclined to leap in with advice, opinions or chatter if only to relieve our own anxiety in the face of another's suffering."
Carrie Morse, a survivor of rectal cancer, says she can't count the number of people who told her, "God gave you cancer for a reason." Such cliches can make people feel worse, she says.
"Every person who has cancer goes through these moments where, whatever kind of God you believe in, you're pretty (ticked) off," says Morse, 36, from Washington, D.C. "You don't want to hear people saying, 'God has a plan for you.' "
Importantly, the stranger on Winsor's plane asked her permission before proceeding, allowing her to stay in control of the conversation. One of the most terrifying parts of cancer is that it often robs people of control -- over their bodies, their schedules, their plans for the future, says Ellen Stovall, who leads the National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship.
Handle with care
Too often, well-meaning friends and neighbors issue orders, telling people with cancer to take this herb or see that doctor, Stovall says.
Even Winsor, who was diagnosed last year, says she tries to "walk slowly" when talking to other people with cancer and take her cues from their attitude and words, which may change from day to day.
If a person with cancer doesn't want to share, it's important to back off, Rowland says: "Be respectful."
The stranger on the plane also focused on the present instead of guessing about Winsor's prognosis or offering unfounded optimism. Winsor, who had an early tumor, completed chemo in October, radiation in January and is now taking a drug called Herceptin to keep cancer from returning.
"If you say, 'Everything is going to be OK,' that's trivializing it," says psychiatrist Jimmie Holland, author of The Human Side of Cancer. "But it's also not good to say, 'Oh, my mother had that and she died in three weeks.' "
Stovall says people can still share their experiences if they tread lightly.
"You can say, 'I'm sure a lot of people are offering what was helpful to them,' " Stovall says. " 'Do you even want to hear about any of those things?' "
Instead of advice, one of the best things to offer is just to listen, Stovall says.
"I can remember somebody saying: 'I'm a really good listener. I offer that because it's something I can do,' " Stovall says. "Even though I may never avail myself of their offer, it can be nice to know that someone cared enough to offer."
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