As Valentine's Day approaches, there's good news and bad news about sex. The good news: Losing weight can turn up the heat.
The bad news in this time of rising obesity rates? Gaining weight can douse those flames.
In the good-news column are Nikole Lee, 34, and her husband, Bobby, 38, of Albion, Mich. They often joke that they've essentially lost a third person in their marriage. She has dropped 90 pounds over the past two years; he has lost 135 in the past six months.
She can now get her arms around her husband to hug him, and he frequently compliments her. "She's downright hot now," he says. "I do want to cuddle up with her more."
Bonnie Crawford, 30, of Beaverton, Ore., and husband Preston, 32, were both overweight when they started dating in 1996. They didn't pressure each other to get thinner, but she has dropped from 358 pounds to 192 in the past five years, and her husband has lost 140 pounds, now weighing 275.
"The healthier you are, the more your desire, stamina and energy improve," Bonnie says. "There's no doubt that weight loss improves your sex life. As my confidence in myself went up, my husband said that my inner minx came out. I was always a sexy, sultry girl who was locked under many layers of fat."
Research backs up their stories. One study showed that dieters who dropped 12% of their body weight over two years felt more sexually attractive and had greater sexual desire. Weight loss can affect how people feel about themselves and their partners, says psychologist Martin Binks, one of the study authors and director of behavioral health at the Duke Diet and Fitness Center in Durham, N.C.
Another new study and plenty of anecdotal evidence suggest the opposite is also true: Packing on pounds can, and often does, affect physical intimacy.
The sexless marriage
Bob Berkowitz and his wife, Susan Yager-Berkowitz, conducted an online survey of more than 4,000 men and women who identified themselves being in a sexless marriage, either now or in the past, in which the man was the one who stopped being physically intimate. "Sexless" was defined as having sex 10 times a year or less. They explain their findings in a new book, He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It.
The reasons for sexless marriages aren't simple and often have physiological, psychological and cultural underpinnings, says Berkowitz, who has a doctorate in clinical sexology.
"You have to stay away from finger pointing," he says. "Both genders are really good at pointing their fingers at the spouse."
In fact, the survey showed that about 38% of the men said the reason for their sexless marriage was that their partner had gained a significant amount of weight.
"In a healthy relationship, I doubt that passion is going to stop because of a modest weight gain," says Yager-Berkowitz, who has degrees in psychology and nutrition. However, a guy may not find a woman who is 30 or more pounds overweight physically attractive anymore, she says. "Men are visual, and extra weight certainly can lead to a loss of a desire."
This may affect many couples because government data show that 33% of men and 35% of women are considered obese, that is, 30 or more pounds over a healthy weight. Overall, 66% of Americans are overweight or obese.
Research shows that weight gain creeps up, especially when people are in their 20s and 30s and having babies or busy with young children and building careers. And the weight problem can easily become circular, Yager-Berkowitz says. A woman may be unhappy with her weight and feel unattractive. She may turn to food for comfort or other emotional reasons and continue to gain weight.
She may become disheartened if her husband is not paying as much attention to her or not making love to her as often as she'd like, Yager-Berkowitz says. The problem may be exacerbated if the woman takes medications that lower the libido, such as some antidepressants and high blood pressure pills, she says.
Some men take it personally if their spouse gains weight, Bob Berkowitz says. "Guys often feel a sense of rejection if they think it's not important to her to look good for herself or him. We're not talking about 10 to 15 pounds but substantial weight gain."
Still, some men have unrealistic expectations about how women should look, he says. "Men see all these women in the media with bodies that may be surgically enhanced. The vast majority of women are not going to look like that. You know who you married. They aren't the person you see in the movies. This it not to say that the men look like Michael Jordan or Brad Pitt themselves."
Some men may imply that they are going to stop making love if their wives don't lose weight, Berkowitz says. "It's like emotional blackmail. It makes a woman feel even more awful about herself, and there may be even more emotional distancing between herself and her husband."
Men's weight gain can play a role in sexual intimacy too. There is a growing amount of evidence that obesity in men is linked to erectile dysfunction, Berkowitz says. And some men may also be on libido-lowering medications, he says.
People can have a healthy, satisfying sex life at any weight, says psychologist Thomas Wadden, director of the Center for Weight and Eating Disorders at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. "Good sex goes along with good self-esteem and a capacity for intimacy and vulnerability. I have seen dozens, if not hundreds, of overweight women who have fulfilling relationships and sex lives."
In fact, surveys show that African-Americans often find a fuller-figured woman more physically and sexually attractive, he says.
On the other hand, weight gain can magnify concerns and doubts that people have about their sexuality, about whether they are attractive, sexy or desirable, he says.
But slimming down is not a panacea, Wadden cautions. "If you didn't have a satisfactory sex life before you gained weight, losing weight is not going to fix what happens between the sheets. You end up where you start," he says.
A confidence booster
People who have been profiled in USA TODAY's Weight-Loss Challenge agree that weight loss improved their self-confidence and relationships.
Kevin, 26, and Julie Switzer, 28, of Orlando, lost a combined total of more than 170 pounds before they got married in June. They say the weight loss has made them more self-confident. "I have always known she thinks I'm hot, and she has always known that I think she's hot," he says. "The difference is that now we're confident enough to actually believe each other."
At 235 pounds, Nikole Lee has a way to go before she reaches her goal of 160. "When I look in the mirror, I still see the fat person," she says.
But she has dropped from size 34 jeans to 22. "I got a lot of sexy lingerie for my honeymoon. For a long time, I didn't fit into it. But I can fit into it again, and a lot of it is too big."
Yager-Berkowitz says the subject of losing weight has to be broached in a loving, supportive way, not in an accusatory manner. The best way is to express concerns about the other person's health, not looks. A woman might say to her husband, "I want you to be around for a long time," she says.
Wadden agrees bringing up your partner's weight is a "good idea' but "you are going to have to choose your words as carefully as any words you've ever chosen."
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