8 Negative Emotions That Will Affect You Physically

I have struggled with the concept of "forgiveness" for years and years, if not decades, and tried every strategy and even re-thinking every concept, to no avail. I have recently just "decided" that I "have to" forgive because my Chrisitan faith "requires" it. Simple as that.

I also think I have trouble "forgiving" certain people and fully moving on because I have not learned how to "fight fairly" and how to break away from people. I have never felt "closure" with certain people sometimes because I did not even have an opportunity to confront them or speak with them about our "separation." I am more mindful of making sure I get my feelings and thoughts all out whenever that happens again, even if it is in extreme (but never violent) anger. I have the right to honor and express my feelings, even if some people choose to label feelings as positive or negative.

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH ALLOWING RESENTMENTS TO "RENT SPACE IN OUR HEADS" theory. I have been known to do that and have given people space in my head that have not deserved it. Meanwhile, THEY ARE NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT ME. I HAVE CHOICES. I also have to see if there is anyone out there that can possibly put themselves in someone else's shoes, just for the rest of this comment?

Imagine if you do (and if you do not, PLEASE TRY) that you have an eleven year old daughter. Seven years ago (when she was four) she disclosed abuse of a family member in which her therapist filed a 51a to Dept of Child and Family Services. It is a law for a mandated reporter (therapist) to report suspected abuse or neglect to DCF.

The next process in our county after the 51a was filed by therapist was for me to bring my child to the local Child Advocacy Center for her to be interviewed by a forensic interviewer, while a team of professionals looked on from behind a two-way mirror. The purpose of these people who could see my daughter, (she could not see nor did she know these people were there) was to have my (then 4 year old) daughter tell her story of abuse one time and everyone who needed the report could be there. That way it was less traumatizing to my child.

After the interview, I was asked to sit at a conference table with all who viewed my daughters interview (I was not allowed to view). The entire team which consisted of the interviewer, from the advocacy center, along with the therapist from the advocacy center, a DCF Investigator, a Detective from the Town in which abuse took place, and other people who needed information. I was told at this meeting that although my daughter did not disclose "properly" that she did exhibit some serious RED FLAGS through the behavior she displayed and that we ALL needed to take this investigation VERY SERIOUSLY! My part was to keep child away from this certain family member and I was told to do so not only by the Detective from the Police Dept. but also by the DCF Investigator. I agreed to do so and I did comply. The other thing that I was told was that my daughter would need help to talk about the abuse and be able to disclose and "RE INTERVIEW" with the children's advocacy center. I set up the first two of what would become four to six weeks of therapy sessions with the children's advocacy centers therapist to start process.

During this six week process my daughter was told how brave she was not only by me, her mother but also by the interviewer, the therapist from the children's advocacy center, and the DCF Investigator. After one month of continuous therapy my daughter disclosed three different dates of RED FLAGS (sexual abuse concerns) REGARDING A NEW FAMILY MEMBER in which the children's advocacy center therapist told me, (mother) that she would not only contact "THE TEAM"( including DCF worker and the Police Detective present at the initial interview and the meeting with me in which I was told to keep my daughter from the original perpetrator during four to six week therapy process) BUT ALSO FILE A NEW 51 A with DCF in regards to the NEW PERPETRATOR. I told the therapist I was going to take my daughter to daycare and then I was going to retrieve a restraining order from the family court. I DID JUST THAT! I was awarded a restraining order on behalf of my daughter which was granted for three months.

When I went back to the Family Court to have the restraining order continued I was not only shocked to find a new judge on the bench but that unlike the previous time in court which had gone as most would think as it should have, especially since all of the behaviors OF CONCERN, that "THE TEAM" would be happy to know had for the most part disappeared since NO VISITATION had taken place in the past three months thanks to the judge who did award the restraining order.

NOW I DON'T BELIEVE MY EARS! WHO IS THIS JUDGE I KEPT ASKING MYSELF! He wanted to drop the restraining order COMPLETELY and have my daughter go back to original visitation agreement from before the order. I asked him how he came to such a decision and he said to me there is no reason and there should never have been one in the first place!

That is the day in May 2009 that I fell down Alice's rabbit hole and I would love to return to a world that can see clearly what I have had to accept and choose not to kill me mentally as well as physically. But REALITY is that unless you have actually walked in my shoes (such as all the other families I HAVE MET AND THE CHILDREN THAT CONTINUE TO BE HARMED TO OUR BROKEN SYSTEM AND THE LACK OF AWARENESS THAT ALTHOUGH WE HAVE FOUGHT AND FOUGHT SOME ARE SAFER THAN OTHERS! BUT NO ONE and I DO MEAN NO ONE who was supposed to be responsible and do their job and have been caught at doing so, for instance my daughter:

That day in Family Court when I fell into Alice's Wonderland, it turned out after my daughter and I switched rolls with the perpetrators and we became the criminals and the perps the victims. It started that very day. The consequence my 4 year old paid for "TELLING HER SECRET LIKE A GOOD GIRL" like we ask our children to do if they get touched or hurt by someone, DID DO, and yet in return after she was told she would be with me, her mother who would continue to keep her safe and to keep working with the therapist at that advocacy center, and SHE DID........ SHE HAD TO GO BACK BY ORDER OF THE NEW JUDGE TWO NIGHTS A WEEK WITH THE PERPETRATOR ALONG WITH (and it states in that very order) HE HAS TWO WEEKS TO STOP SLEEPING WITH CHILD.

Along with being put back with someone who had previously abused her, it was me, her mother who had the honor of breaking the news ALONG WITH OUR TRUST BOND THAT WENT WITH HER STABLE BEHAVIOR WE HAD ESTABLISHED OVER THAT 3 MONTH PERIOD WHILE SHE WAS ONLY WITH ME.

It took one year and over that year we added to her therapy, a psychiatrist, In Home Therapy Team, medications, before her psychiatrist filed a 51a and Hailey had suicidal ideation at the age of six. When DCF DID FINALLY DO AN INVESTIGATION in JANUARY OF 2011 after perpatrators had had an entire year with my daughter THAT INVESTIGATOR WAS SHOCKED TO FIND OUT AND CALL ME TO REPORT TO ME THAT THAT THERAPIST WHO WAS/STILL IS A MANDATED REPORTER ..................... SHE NEVER FILED THE 51A I WAS TOLD THAT SHE DID BACK ON 1-6-08. Well DIDNT that just explain why NO ONE HAD EVER OR WAS AT THAT TIME RETURNING MY CALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My daughter had to be hospitalized (CBAT UNIT ) 5 times before being placed residential for one year. All of these were in Boston two hours away from me, her mother. That judge did nothing but continue to treat me as a criminal and father as victim until the day came when he was shown HIS VERY OWN MISTAKE and I NOW HAVE FULL LEGAL CUSTODY AND HAVE SINCE THAT NEW JUDGE WAS FORCED TO LOOK AT AND READ THE VERY MISTAKE HE HAD MADE 3 YEARS PRIOR WHICH COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL OF THE TRAUMA THAT WAS CAUSED ALONG WITH THE MENTAL ILLNESS SHE NOW LIVES WITH BECAUSE OF THE NEGLECT OF THE THERAPIST WHO DID NOT FILE THE 51A, THE REFUSAL TO FOLLOW UP OR EVEN RETURN MY PHONE CALLS REGARDING THE DISCLOSURES AND THE SUPPOSED FILING OF THE 51A. I NOW KNOW THAT IT IS CLOSURE I WAS NEVER GIVEN FROM "THE TEAM" INSTEAD OF ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS OR SUPPORT FROM DCF INVESTIGATORS / SUPERVISORS. I WAS TOLD BY DCF THAT "I NEEDED TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE." AND " THAT THEY HAD IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO." MEANWHILE MY CHILD IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOUR HOUR TEMPER TANTRUM AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY DCF CANNOT HELP?

THE LOCAL PAPER WHO HAD CONTACTED ME BACK IN JANUARY OF 2011 IN HOPES FOR ME TO SHARE MY STORY WITH OTHER MOTHERS WHO WERE BEING TREATED AS I WAS "A CRIMINAL" AND THEIR CHILDREN WERE BEING PUT BACK INTO THEIR ABUSERS ARMS. THAT REPORTER WAS STOPPED FROM REPORTING FURTHER ARTICLES AFTER REPORTING ONE REGARDING A BRAZILIAN WOMAN WHO WANTED TO VOLUNTARILY GIVE HER SON TO DCF SO THAT HE WOULD NOT BE SUBJECTED TO FURTHER SEXUAL ABUSE AND TORTURE BY HIS FATHER AND GRANDFATHER.

NOT ONLY THE REPORTER STOPPED DOING WHAT WAS RIGHT..... WHICH WAS GET OUR STORIES OUT THERE BUT THIS CYCLE STILL CONTINUES AND IT IS HORRIFIC. THE PROBLEM IS THAT PEOPLE DO NOT PAY ATTENTION UNTIL IT HAPPENS IN THEIR OWN LIVES!!!!

CHILDREN ARE BEING PUT IN ABUSIVE SITUATIONS BY PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN A ROLL OF PROTECTION AND THEN WHEN WE TURN TO THE AUTHORITIES WHO SHOULD BE INVESTIGATING AND THEN THE ONES WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOLDING PEOPLE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.................. THEY DISAPPEAR....EVERY SINGLE ONE....EVEN THE ONE'S THAT TOLD YOU THAT YOU SHOULD SEEK JUSTICE AND BE GIVEN JUSTICE... THEY ARE GONE. I HAVE MET SOME OF THE MOST PATIENT, COURAGEOUS, PERSAVERENT AND RESILIENT PARENTS AND CHILDREN BEING DOWN HERE UNDERGROUND THAN I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

UNLIKE THE MARATHON BOMBER SURVIVORS AND VICTIMS OF WAR WHO HAVE MUCH NEEDED SUPPORTS, WE ARE NOT ALLOWED BY THE SYSTEM TO HAVE OUR VOICES HEARD OR OUR NEEDS FOR OUR TRAUMA'S TO BE RECOGNIZED AND FOR SUPPORTS AVAILABLE TO BRING MUCH NEEDED HEALING.

MY STORY HAS GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORK IN THE FIELD WITH PARENTS WHO HAVE CHILDREN WHO HAVE MENTAL, BEHAVIORAL, AND EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES. IN ORDER TO WORK FOR WHO I WORK FOR YOU HAVE TO HAVE "LIVED EXPERIENCE".

ALTHOUGH I PROCEED EACH DAY WITH GRATITUDE TO HAVE SOUL, FULL CUSTODY OF MY DAUGHTER WHO AGAIN IS STABLE AS SHE WAS WHEN THE FIRST JUDGE DID THE RIGHT THING AND I HAD HER FOR THAT THREE MONTH PERIOD BACK WHEN SHE WAS FOUR AND FIVE YEARS OLD, STILL SEVEN YEARS LATER NOONE WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR NEGLECTING MY CHILD AND PUTTING HER IN HARMS WAY FOR CONTINUED ABUSE AND NEGLECT FOR ONE FULL YEAR.................. HAVE EVER EVER BEEN HELD ACCOUNTABLE. I HAVE TRIED TO BE POSITIVE IN SO MANY WAYS EVEN THOUGH I AM CONSTANTLY REMINDED BECAUSE OF THE REPEATED PATTERNS IN OTHER FAMILIES IN WHICH OUT COMES ARE NOT SO FORTUNATE.

ONE THING TO KEEP IN MIND IS THAT SINCE ALL OF THESE PERPATRATORS WHO ARE BEING CONSIDERED THE "VICTIMS" (EVEN WITH DNA EVIDENCE PROVEN AND SITTING AT THE DISTRICT ATTORNEYS OFFICE) THE CAPE COD TIMES EDITORIAL SECTION PAUL PRONOVOST IS SOMEONE WHO IS VERY AWARE OF THESE SITUATIONS. ALTHOUGH, HE HAS ALSO BEEN TOLD TO STOP PRINTING ALONG WITH AMY ARNOLD WHO HAS SINCE LEFT THE CAPE COD TIMES AND NOW WORKS WITH NEWSPAPER IN RHODE ISLAND AFTER THE SHOCK SHE RECEIVED AFTER PLYMOUTH DISTRICT ATTORNEY TOOK OVER MY CASE BECAUSE NO ONE ON ALL OF CAPE COD WOULD TOUCH IT BECAUSE "YOU CAN'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU" AND EVERYBODY EATS IN THE SAME RESTAURANTS HERE ON THE CAPE SO NO ONE WOULD WANT TO STEP OUT AND DO THE RIGHT THING BY ANY MEANS AFTER ALL THIS IS CAPE COD AND WE NEED TO KEEP THE FOCUS ON STATUS AND MONEY. WELL PLYMOUTH COUNTY DISTRICT ATTORNEYS OFFICE WAS DOING A FINE JOB, EVEN GOT THE SUPREME COURT TO SUPENA THE FILES OF THE THERAPIST OF THE CHILDREN'S ADVOCACY CENTER BUT THEN .............THAT DETECTIVE WAS SUDDENLY TAKEN OFF THE CASE. I SPOKE WITH THE DA'S OFFICE ABOUT CONTINUING THE INVESTIGATION AND I WAS TOLD THAT IT WAS HIS JOB "TO INVESTIGATE CRIMES!" AND I SAID OK WELL WHAT IS IN YOUR WAY? ....... THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT CAME DOWN TO THIS, I ASKED HIM THAT "IF MY DAUGHTER WAS SHOT IN THE FOOT, (NOT KILLED) BUT JUST SHOT IN THE FOOT WOULD THAT BE CONSIDERED CRIME ENOUGH FOR HIM TO CONTINUE THROUGH THE INVESTIGATION? HE PAUSED AND I ASKED HIM TO PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTION AND HE STATED "YES" THEN I WENT ON TO ASK HIM IF BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER'S INJURIES AND DIAGNOSIS WAS OF A "MENTAL ILLNESS" NATURE IN WHICH THERE IS A NOTED STIGMA WITH IGNORANCE OF KNOWLEDGE THAT IT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS A "PHYSICAL ILLNESS" AND HER DIAGNOSIS FROM THE WRONG DECISION BEING MADE BY THE JUDGE AND THE LACK OF FOLLOW UP FROM DCF, DETECTIVES, ETC. WAS HIGH ANXIETY, PTSD, SENSORY INTERGRATION, OCD, EXTREME HYPER VIGILANCE AND SEPERATION ANXIETY, AND BECAUSE OF "THAT DIAGNOSIS" ..... THAT WOULD NOT COUNT FOR CONTINUING THE INVESTIGATION. THE ATTORNEY FROM THE DA'S OFFICE HESITATED BUT WHEN I ASKED HIM TO PLEASE JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION AND STOP WASTING ANY MORE OF MY TIME, HE DID ANSWER, "YES." I SAID TO HIM, "THE LAST THING I WOULD LIKE TO SAY BEFORE I HANG UP THE PHONE IS THAT, I WOULD MUCH RATHER MY DAUGHTER HAD BEEN SHOT IN THE FOOT!"

TODAY I AM ON A LEAVE OF ABSENCE DUE TO MY OWN PTSD AND THE TRIGGERS THAT I LIVE WITH ON AN ON GOING BASIS. I AM SEEKING CLOSURE WHICH IS SOMETHING EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO. I HAVE TRIED TO JUST MOVE ON AND PRETEND EVERYTHING IS OVER AND FINE BUT MY DAUGHTER IS NOW ELEVEN AND PRETTY SOON SHE WILL BE ABLE TO GO OUT TO THE MALL AND AROUND TOWN ON HER OWN AND THOSE TWO PERPATRATORS WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS, THEY COULD BE WALKING AT THE SAME TIME IN THE SAME PLACE AS MY DAUGHTER WITH OUT ME AS WELL AS ALL OF THE OTHER "REAL VICTIMS" THE GROWING CHILDREN THAT STILL TODAY ARE BEING TREATED AS IF THEY ARE THE CRIMINALS.

OH YA, TRY NOT TO FORGET THE SYSTEM THAT LET THEM DOWN TOO! THANK GOD FOR STRONG PARENTS WHO HAVE REMAINED STRONG AND POSITIVE FOR THESE CHILDREN BECAUSE THAT (BESIDES GOD) IS THE ONE AND ONLY THING THAT KEEPS US KEEPING ON!

Excellent article!

I have learned to forgive more as I got older. Not quite divine yet - but getting there, lol.

My wonderful adult daughter is full of resentment and anger towards her sisters - not sure why she holds on to so much negativity. It is quite unreasonable but she cannot see it.

Mahalo (thank you) for this. I will do research and subtly slip in suggestions for her.

I don't believe in negative and positive feelings. Every feeling is part of life.
The question is only HOW we deal with out feelings ... with awareness and responsibility .... or unaware and irresponsible.

For instance when I feel angry ... and I am willing to feel it, look with awareness to it and see that another person did not act or respond in a way I expected it ........ I know more about myself .... and I don't need to hold onto my anger. Do I need to forgive? Most of the time not .... because I can see my creation.

I find it refreshing to feel every feeling, not to judge them but becoming more aware through them.

We need to teach people to be more aware ....... and NOT to don't have certain feelings. ALL feelings can guide us to more awareness.


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